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Running on intrusive thoughts

Friday, 5 August 2011

5th August 2011

Watching a show showing an abusive relationship- it's making me think.

The checking, counting and touching at night is getting worse, but I think it's because I've not been sleeping much. I had an intrusive thought about someone I know- they tried to kill themselves in the thought and were in hospital with bandaged wrists. Even though deep down I knew it wouldn't be real; it felt real and I was scared. I had the obvious compulsion to get in touch with her, but I knew that would just be fuelling my OCD so I didn't. She now knows about this which isn't good. I didn't want to tell her, but she figured it out. It's all been in my head since, but I try to ignore it.

My other half gets mad at me because I'm always asking if she's ok. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it. She gets mad and won't speak to me which makes me doubt that she's ok more, but what can I do? So now I've resorted to not asking her AT ALL how she is. It's had though.

She often gets quite aggressive when she's drunk; it scares me. I told her about it and she said she won't drink again. She still is though. I told her she didn't need to do that; I'd just not be around her, but she said no, she'd stop drinking, but she hasn't; she's drinking now. She throws me around, grabs me, pins me up against walls and shouts at me. We don't go out drinking much any more; well, she does, but I won't; not with her.

I haven't cut for a while; I don't want to, but I keep getting upset and crying. Sometimes I think I'll stop being able to cope with OCD. It's too much sometimes. I can't even attend college because of the fear and social anxiety it brings.